Knowing You Are There

You are there...
In the miracle of life
And sorrow of loss
You allow it all to happen
You protect
You refine
You prepare
You give and take away
Although the reasons are not always understood
Or fully accepted
You bless
You allow curse
You allow choices
And yet guide our paths
You give hope
When all hope is lost
You build up and strengthen
And yet allow moments of weakness and dependence
You heal
You restore
You are what holds the soul together
You allow for love
And allow for pain
You build our character
Through patience and discipline
For all this and more I love You
Because I know You are there

Fighting Regret and Doubt

Regret and doubt. Two words that will only stunt growth and maturity if you hold on to them. No matter what you have lived through, these traits of life are bound to cross your path. What you do with them is what will determine which road you will be headed down.

The opposite of regret is gratitude. Gratitude strengthens whereas regret breaks down and destroys.

The opposite of doubt is confidence. Confidence brings will and determination to rise above whereas doubt brings stagnation.

When regret rears its ugly head, find gratitude in the situation and gleen from it what you have learned and embrace the lessons, which are a gift from life.

When doubt creeps up and wraps its hands around your neck, find release in the confidence of your choices. There are valid reasons for the choices you have made and the steps you have taken. Find peace in that! Fight back with knowing that God has brought you to where He has you for a reason. The purpose now is not clear, but it will be. Just wait and see. ~~~~ Adry

Complex Thinking - Complex Living

The complexity of life itself, its everyday mundane to dos, and the uninvited drama that swoops in, should require simple thinking just for the sake of maintaining sanity. But why is it so difficult to think simply?  I mean really, life does not have to be complex. We get out of life what we put into it. If we make it complicated, it will be complicated. If we think simply about life, then it will be simple. Decisions, situations, relationships CAN be simple. Too much thought? Too much speculation? Too many expectations? That is trouble waiting in the wings. To keep it simple, keep everything honest. Be forthcoming from the start. Ambiguity has no place in the attempt to achieving the simple life. Simplicity is the key to freedom, peace and inner joy. Stop stressing about the things in life that cannot be changed. Why stress about things out of your control? The things you CAN control, analyze if its worth the effort it will take to control the outcome and if the outcome is even within your reach. If not, then let it go, go with the flow, let it roll off your shoulder, whip your hair back and forth and move forward. Shake it off, dry up the sweat and know that the only One that has to be in control and IS in control is watching over you.
~Adriana Viola 1.9.2011

:) A little something to say...

When the ambiguity of life clears its path, the light begins to shine in and the darkness retreats making room for clarity and a new beginning. Thank goodness for strength and determination and a little help from above. Combined, the pieces can begin to find their way back together and in return? Find myself once again.

Starting Over...Again!

Well I have to start by apologizing for not being on here in such a long time with anything worth reading. Well ok there has been A LOT going on in the past year but it was SO much that required SO much energy that blogging about it would only have been more painful.


I will try to make it brief as I really dislike rehashing old news. Why? Because rehashing is simply reliving painful memories that does not help in the process of healing. But before I go into this I must state the following...


I know that I have posted many positive things about my husband and marriage in my previous blogs of which I will not be removing as those are memories that I will hold forever. When I blogged those stories it is because I chose to recount the blessings as I saw them coming. I chose to remember the moments that made me laugh, smile and giggle for I used them as ammunition to fight back the tears. I chose to forgive and hold onto hope for the sake of my children.


Long story short...we are legally separating. The issues at hand have been in and out of counseling for 8 years. I simply cannot do it anymore. I have been physically ill more often anyone should be, depressed, and unable to function or sleep because of the stress and fighting. Too much was sacrificed for the sake of "trying to save the marriage" but one can NOT have a one sided marriage. It takes two to make it work but it only takes one to end it. Neglect - number one killer of marriage. (no I don't have statistics - just experience)


So he has moved out now for the past two weeks after yet another anger explosion.  I simply couldn't take it anymore. Unpredictability is a scary thing to have with a spouse.


All this to say - in the past two weeks, I can sleep again and I can function normally. The way it should be. I spend my days being stable for my kids and on the weekends I take my moments to let out my tears. Sadness over so many things. Too many to count.


So with this I hope to have the opportunity to come back more often with fun and tender blog posts.


Muah! xoxo 


thank you for taking the time to read this.

Norah Jones - What Am I To You?

Revelation from a simple cup of coffee...

So there have been some hard lessons learned in the past 3 years...okay maybe more. Lessons I refused to acknowledge as lessons but rather as punishment, or just a run of bad luck from bad choices. Isn't that what some people call Karma? But I call the BIG lie. I believe that I have been in the situations I have been in because that is where I had chosen to be.

The truth is that all I've been through (good and bad) in my entire life has been a series of lessons to bring the ugly about myself to the surface. To face my demons, as some might put it. To see what I refused to see as my weaknesses or perhaps even overbearing attitudes. Is it pretty in any way, shape or form? Nope. Is it something that I can look back and say that I'm glad I went through it? The tears, the anger, the bitterness, the fighting, and numerous losses? Nope. Can I look forward and see hope? Yes. Hope of maturity, awareness, improvement, self-discovery, spiritual growth and forgiveness.

When I speak of forgiveness, I not only speak of forgiving those around me that have injured me in some way or another, but the forgiveness of myself. I have made some incredibly poor choices. Some that at the time seemed innocuous towards anyone but myself. What a lie I have shovel fed myself over the years thinking I had the right to "do me" no matter what the cost. And at what a cost, my friends. I cannot even begin to describe the magnitude of that price tag.

So I ask myself why has it taken this long for this revelation to stir? Recognition of denial. Denial has been the slow wretchedly painful death to my spirit. Denial means 'the refusal to recognize or acknowledge.' I have been guilty! This has been the downward spiral into the deepest parts of hell for me. The denial to accept the consequences of my choices has only led me into depression, self-loathing, and a pathetic loss of all identity. Yes, quite pathetic. One unbelievably scary place to be, let me tell you, but tonight I have been thrown a life-line.

You see, through a simple, casual, matter-a-fact conversation with a friend tonight I heard the truth about myself. Not because my friend said anything about me specifically, but the mirror went up and I did not like what was looking back at me. Myself. An empty shell of a human being who thought that the cards dealt were not chosen. Not so. You see, cards will be dealt throughout a lifetime. But we have been given free will. Free will to choose what we do with them. God COULD force His hand for us to follow His every plan but that is not why God created us. He created us because He wanted a relationship with us but only if we WANT one with Him. And thus, cards are dealt. And we are free to choose what we do with those cards. And what about what happens to us involuntarily? That's a whole new set of cards and we have to choose what we do with the outcome. Our choice...our choices define who we become.

Divine intervention through what was initially meant to be nothing but a casual friendly meeting, filled with coffee and laughs, has turned this lost soul to revel in the Truth once again.

Being Human...

Being human means making mistakes. Being human means that you will experience hurt, disappointment & awaken to crushing realities. You'll experience a gamut of emotions - some seem to not have a name. There will be indescribable joys & moments that could leave a permanent smile. 

But...the hardest part of being human? 

Forgiveness. Giving it and receiving it. 

God help me to forgive & to see beyond my tears.

"It's at Walmart...for free!"

I know I know...I've been MIA

There is SOOOO much to tell so I'll start in little bits ok? Bare with me.

So remember when I was talking about my mid life crisis? First I went and got my nose pierced then I talked about getting my tattoo???? Well...I did it! Its been awhile since I had it done, but then again I've been on some major rollercoaster-life rides...

So here is the pic. Whatcha think?

I'll post new stuff as time permits to update you all on what's been going on - separation, counseling, divorce talk, counseling, 8 day vacation, haunted house, no divorce, no separation, family stuff, children drama, weight loss, hospital stay, you name it...I've gone through it since my last post in January! Yikes!!!! Oh and yes...I'm still sane. Although I sometimes question....

Fasting...I have a great idea!

I have friends who go into fasting for 3 days, a week, a month and they fast from different things. Some fast from all electronics (tv, internet (including facebook people -gasp!), coffee, chocolate, sex, food (all or certain), there are a billion ways to do a fast - in order to gain clarity of mind and spirit. Some people do it not so much for a spiritual connectedness to God, but to cleanse their bodies and just feel better. Well I have an idea for a fast...

Fast from clothing!!! Everybody go naked for a whole week so MOM can take a break from insane loads of laundry!!!

Hair Faux Pas...

This is what happens when your child is having a tantrum in the middle of a haircut - yes by me...the pictures say it all..

Ok...MidLife Crisis?

So I think I'm going through a midlife crisis. Grant it I don't have a porsche parked, nor have I booked that trip to Fiji by myself (ooh that's a nice idea), and I am NOT having an affair or anything totally ridiculous like that...but I did...get a nose piercing!

My friends told me "don't do it, you're almost 40 not 21!" but I decided what the heck? When can I do it now? When I'm 72? So I did it. It hurt like heck...but I survived. I think it looks pretty cute actually? What about you? Here's the best part...when I sat down in the chair infront of this guy all pierced up and tattooed everywhere and told him what my friend said you know what he said? "You DON'T look like your almost 40!" I thought to myself "darn right I don't!"

So here I have a small little diamond in my nose and I love it. Oh...and know what else is planned as my next adventure? A tattoo!!!! YES! A tattoo!!!! First weekend in December! Stay Tuned!

Oh...I do have updates on my previous posts, but right now I'm trying to find myself again...and THIS is the me I lost when I got married. Fun me, adventurous me...and I'm liking her again!

Psalm 42 - Sheesh...now I get this...

Psalm 42

I never truly understood this psalm until now. Now that I as a mother and a woman have been going through this valley of despair, loneliness, and even soul searching...I finally get it.

My hope has been diverted to all the wrong things, the wrong people. Hope is in God - God's plans for me. What are God's plans for me as mom & a woman? When did the blinders go on? When did I lose sight of God's plans for my life? I have walked away alot from church and Godly people. There has been a stirring in my heart that had turned into bitterness.

Over the past 3 years, much has built up inside of me. I have quite a few hangups with many people at church and with my husband. I have been a bitter, angry woman. A woman with no hope for her future but blaming everyone and everything for the lack of luster in her life. Grant it, I HAVE had many second thoughts about the choices I've made in my life and perhaps that is what the "thirst" is in my life as in this Psalm.

Why is it so hard to count my blessings? I wish I could make someone understand me but it feels like I only understand me. Feels sometimes that God doesn't understand me so I stop talking to Him. I know that isn't a good thing. So my thirst has gone into total drought, like someone walking in the desert without water in sight. I'm parched and nothing I do satisfies my thirst. So I get this Psalm from a friend...and I actually feel peace that perhaps God does understand me and He does hear me...but is waiting to see what choices I make with the direction He has given me.

NO one is to blame for my "downcast soul" which describes so much of my life, thought patterns, and issues of my heart.

So this will be the Psalm I will be meditating on this week. In the hope that my "thirst" will be finally quenched.

Am I overwhelmed still? Yes...do I feel like I'm in a box? Yes...but do I realize that my hope has been diverted yes...I need to get back to the place I use to be in...in God's presence.

Psalm 42
1

[b] As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My [c] soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Long time no post...

I know it has been quite a while since I've posted anything probably due to the fact that the dumps I've been in hasn't really let up. I think I'm going through a midlife crisis at 38. Can it be? This cannot be happening with 3 children under the age of 6?

You know you hear about men going through it and buying ridiculous boy toys that put the whole family in debt or they run off with a younger woman or something - but me? A stay at home mom? What are my freakin' options? I can't do any of that stuff...well I am not into younger women, but you know what I mean. (lol)

So here is the conclusion I've come to...ready?

Here are my solutions to my "stayathome-itis":

• Get together with friends - OFTEN - like weekly or even every other day if possible - no kids or husband
• Reconnect with old friends
  
• Go out dancing (my passion is salsa dancing - I'm Cuban - what did you expect?)
• Talk about other things other than bills, kids or problems with my husband
• Plan a vacation alone to visit my mom in Florida or with a friend to have some fun
• Have fun again
• Decided to STOP growing old on my couch
• Work out daily - DAILY - that is 1-2 hours all by myself - SWEET!
• Determine to lose weight - no more waiting or the excuse of "I just had a baby" since she is 18 mo old! (by the way - I'm down 2 pant sizes since last month - since my last nervous breakdown post)
• Realize that my life does NOT have to revolve around my husband or my kids - that I do have to have a life outside of my four walls - this is how stay at home moms become depressed, suicidal and end up leaving their families. I say this because I know of a couple of moms to who became depressed, suicidal (1 attempted suicide) and another 2 moms I know "just left" husband, kids and all!
• Reassess my life and what I want out of it - I - ME - what do I want? I swear if my husband quotes another movie to me I will have to break his jaw. "When we got married, we gave up me for us" - ok I know but when "US" constitutes all that HUBBY wants - it really does not apply now does it?

So I am determine to enjoy life again, work out and lose weight, go back to school and finish my bachelors degree (1 year left to graduate! Before I got married, 8 years ago, dear hubby kept telling me you'll get to finish school honey...yeah that didn't happen but it will now!), make my business successful and have my own storefront one day.

So yes...I'm still struggling but I have decided to do something about before I get locked up in a padded room and see my children through a plate glass window.

Thank you all for commenting and encouraging me - I pray that I have encouraged you too to seek out a life for yourself as well. Mommyhood does NOT have to be all about changing diapers, cleaning toilets and folding laundry. There is so much more! But we settle for being home and giving up on ourselves because it is what we are told or implied.

I can only hope that my husband will open up his eyes, ears and heart to the reality of my struggles. I have told him again and again but this time I no longer feel guilty for wanting more out of my life. I mean seriously? Do I really want to be 60 years old and be bored with my life? NO. I want to know I did things I wanted to do and accomplished things I dreamed of.

Growing happy healthy God loving children is important, maintaining a healthy marriage is important...but if I don't take time for myself as a mom, as a woman, daughter, friend...then what will happen to me? I'll tell you what...I'll get bitter, bored and bombarded with life that I will not age gracefully - it will show on my face, body and on my heart.

Why do men age so nicely and women not so nice? They find outlets. Work, which include breaks at work (lunch etc...), friends, outings etc...us women? We are too busy with kids and making hubby happy while gravity takes over.

So I'm off my pulpit for now. I'm still struggling to find Adriana again but I have a better idea on how to find her now than I did before.

xoxoxoxo to all of my stay at home mommy friends. I hope I gave you food for thought.

Motherhood...help me

I am in a place right now that I don't even know how to put into words. I am overwhelmed. I think I'm going through some kind of depression. I want to hide. I want to sleep. I want to cry. When the kids are all crying at the same time I really want to grab my car keys and disappear. I don't know what my life is suppose to be like. Is this it? What I am feeling cannot be normal.

Sometimes I think I have it "down" then there are days like today so ridiculous. I feel cornered by my marriage and my kids and like I have no plan for diffusion. I have my business and my husband hates it and argues with me constantly about it. Even though I've been in business for 5 years. It is the ONE thing that keeps my mind and hands busy that does not require cleaning the house, running errands or disciplining the kids - which with a 5 and 3 year old it feels like it is constant. I'm exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I have visions of "flying away" somewhere and just being me. Just me. Not how can I make hubby happy or how can I entertain or teach the kids something they need to know me, but ME. The Adriana I use to know. I feel like a bad mother for feeling like this but I'm just in a really bad place right now and I am suffocating. Like a fish out of water. Gasping for air. Or in my case some sense of freedom. Sure I go to a friend's house every now and then and run out to the store when hubby gets home, but even then he doesn't like me to do that either. How can I communicate what I'm feeling to him without him saying something stupid like "well then leave and live your life."

I'm sure you've ready some of my other "funny" posts and those have been great days...but lately I am in a terrible place and I see NO light at the end.

I am imploding, my heart is in shambles and my spirit feels so broken. I'm lost and don't look forward to the next day arriving.

Then I have these damn neighbors upstairs that make noise all freakin' day long that I cannot get a moment of peace. I'm going crazy. Literally. I can't stand even myself.

I probably shouldn't even be writing any of this on a public blog; however, I look forward to reading comments on this situation. Am I alone? How do you deal with these feelings if you share them with me?

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

It is one of those days that I simply do not want to be confined to my teeny condo with my 3 children - so we drive and drive and drive until I realize that traffic is going to only get suckier as the time passes so I turn the car around and head home. When we arrive home my children make it very clear that they are bored - despite the tons of toys they have - and I (Mommy) am challenged to fix the boredom or otherwise get naked and run around outside until the loony van picks me up and puts me in a padded cell.

So...I know! I can make Doctor bags and fill them up with clean EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY med bottles, boxes, med dropper etc...YES I gave them the little lecture about these are PRETEND medicines and these (I showed them) are MOMMY'S medicines. I put each of their initials on their PRETEND things so that they understand THESE are the ones they are to play with only.
(this is for those of you itching to type me a comment about how dangerous this could be - got it - but like I said desperate times call for desperate measures)

So I went to my sewing machine for 15 minutes of bliss while I sewed these little bags up.

So now ask me how long they played with these things? 1 whole hour! Can you believe it!

Yes they actually played that long with these things..."shooting" me with medicine on my butt while I cooked and cleaned up. They grabbed their stuffed animals and "cured" them of their diseases.

Ah...it was nice while it lasted. :)

King Hubby Saves Cinderella

So this is my follow up post to my laundry dilemma...hubby saw my haggered face, straw hair, and probably took a good whiff of my stinky pits from a crazy busy day with kids and work and folded all of our insane laundry. He is the King that saved Cinderella lastnight. I am Cinderella. I work, work and work around the house nonstop and my poor kids don't know me some days. I feel like they watch me and wonder "is this normal?" My fear is that while I'm trying to keep up and be a good example of tidying up etc...that they will not really get to know me. But here's what saves my mind and my soul from completely losing hope...my babies (5 & 3) never forget to stop me and tell me what a good mom I am, lay their head on my shoulder and rub my back or stop me out of nowhere to give me a hug and a kiss and tell me they love me. I must be doing something right I guess.

When I do stop - which I try to several times a day - to just listen to their endless chatter, sneak around the corner to watch them play without them knowing, to hear them laugh from the other room, to watch them pull out their craft stuff to sit and keep themselves busy, to see how they can be tender with their baby sister, to just stop, kneel down and look into their eyes, marvel at their teeny toes, or sneak a peek while they sleep...I see the face of God and the Holy Spirit reassures me that even though I am not perfect, that even though I don't spend every waking moment doing things with them, that I am blessed. That despite the messes and the times I feel like all I do is discipline them all day - and let me tell you there are days! - I am reminded that I am their Mommy and that I am irreplaceable.

It is in those moments that I feel I have a purpose. It is in those moments that I am reminded how I was chosen to be THEIR mommy.

BACK TO HUBBY...
Then I think of my hubby and all of the annoying things that come along with marriage like how he balls up his socks to put them in the laundry, leaves nearly empty bags of chips or cereal in the cabinet etc...you can read about THAT in another post here - oh yes it is worth the read. I think of all the wonderful things he does with and for me and the kids. SO MANY...another post another day ladies...

So all of this to say...laundry or not...crumbs on the floor or not...I am blessed...

Now...if I could only get a grip on a REAL schedule!

Overwhelmed & Underpaid...Grace to Rise Above

Yes...this is a mini picture of my head. Its late. I'm tired and delirious. I am sticking my tongue out because I'm slowly but surely being buried by laundry. You see...my dryer was out for a couple of days. Yes just a couple of days and this is what happened. My laundry mutated and quadrupled. I just about have it all done and it now needs folding and the ever dreaded putting away.
I have 3 more loads to go tomorrow. You know with all I do around here I'm surprised I'm not stick thin. Anyway...I feel so overwhelmed and underpaid and I don't mean this in a monetary sense. But in the sense of like "Gosh...is this all life is suppose to be about? Cleaning, laundry, cleaning up crumbs off the floor?"

As a Christian woman, I have heard over and over again that all that I do I do for God's glory. I get that. I do. That even though I'm constantly working that I can do it with gladness in my heart knowing that by blessing my family I am in turn blessing the Lord. But sheesh...I'm tired. I'm tired of always going going going. I'm tired of cleaning up one room to feel like "ah...its done" to move on to the next room to only go back to the first room 2 hours later and start all over again. It just feels like I can't just sit and just be.

Then I hear my friends and husband ask about my Quiet times with the Lord? What are those? I'm up late catching up and now I "should" get up early to spend time with the Lord before the kids get up? Are you kidding me? My response, which is not one I should have but do, is "honey, God sees how nuts it is and whatever I have to say or ask Him is usually while I'm taking a potty break or while I'm in the shower." I know I know TMI.

Does anyone have any guidance for me? A schedule that works for them that I can try and do myself? I'm so clueless and I am really exhausted and feel like my wheels are just turning and burning rubber...going nowhere...I feel like I'm at the point of a nervous breakdown. I haven't had REAL quiet times in 7 years. Yes you read it right. S-E-V-E-N. It's like I got married had kids and everything stopped. My life spun out of control. I use to love love love my quiet times and I can't seem to get them back. No matter how hard I try. By the time I can actually say, "ok now its my time" my neck loses the ability to hold up my head and I need to go to bed. I need God's Grace to rise above my laundry piles, mail, crumbs on the floor and needy kids. I need God's Grace to rise above because seriously I'm drowning and I KNOW that if I could just find a way to get my quiet times back I could finally be where I need to be.

God bless you all and any of you who are willing to share some success stories.

Signed...a wiped out mom

Who Needs Toys? I probably do....

I've come to the realization that my children do NOT need toys. They really don't even like their toys, so why do I - we as parents - go crazy trying to find those great "must have" toys - Christmas is ridiculous and birthdays why even bother?

They prefer laundry baskets....
And...tape...



And...kitchenware...


I think I'll start buying myself fun stuff...I'm tired of playing with laundry baskets, tape and kitchenware...