I am in a place right now that I don't even know how to put into words. I am overwhelmed. I think I'm going through some kind of depression. I want to hide. I want to sleep. I want to cry. When the kids are all crying at the same time I really want to grab my car keys and disappear. I don't know what my life is suppose to be like. Is this it? What I am feeling cannot be normal.
Sometimes I think I have it "down" then there are days like today so ridiculous. I feel cornered by my marriage and my kids and like I have no plan for diffusion. I have my business and my husband hates it and argues with me constantly about it. Even though I've been in business for 5 years. It is the ONE thing that keeps my mind and hands busy that does not require cleaning the house, running errands or disciplining the kids - which with a 5 and 3 year old it feels like it is constant. I'm exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I have visions of "flying away" somewhere and just being me. Just me. Not how can I make hubby happy or how can I entertain or teach the kids something they need to know me, but ME. The Adriana I use to know. I feel like a bad mother for feeling like this but I'm just in a really bad place right now and I am suffocating. Like a fish out of water. Gasping for air. Or in my case some sense of freedom. Sure I go to a friend's house every now and then and run out to the store when hubby gets home, but even then he doesn't like me to do that either. How can I communicate what I'm feeling to him without him saying something stupid like "well then leave and live your life."
I'm sure you've ready some of my other "funny" posts and those have been great days...but lately I am in a terrible place and I see NO light at the end.
I am imploding, my heart is in shambles and my spirit feels so broken. I'm lost and don't look forward to the next day arriving.
Then I have these damn neighbors upstairs that make noise all freakin' day long that I cannot get a moment of peace. I'm going crazy. Literally. I can't stand even myself.
I probably shouldn't even be writing any of this on a public blog; however, I look forward to reading comments on this situation. Am I alone? How do you deal with these feelings if you share them with me?
17 comments:
Adry, I am so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed right now. I can remember having 3 little ones, 4 and under and feeling that way too. You have GOT to have some time for yourself. Get out of the house even just to go to Wal Mart or something.
I will pray for you precious sister - I pray that God will minister mightily to your heart! I will pray that you will seek Him and let Him cover you with His peace.
Love to you - Beth
No, you're not alone. You need to know that it IS going to get better. It will!
I'm extremely hormonal right now and have my share of moody and down days, but I try to remember on those days that it will get better. Having one of those weeks is what led to this post: http://adventuresindiapering.blogspot.com/2009/10/there-is-no-such-thing-as-perfect-mom.html
Sometimes I have to remind myself that it IS okay to admit I need a break, and it IS okay to work things out with my hubby to get a break.
It will get better. Find a supportive friend to talk to, work things out for a break, and have a movie/simple meals week. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Adriana....I just read a post similar to this a while back and it hit home because I think all mothers and wives feel at some point this utter desperation to just be an individual rather than a 'plural'. Not forever, just for a moment. Where is Rambler? Not Lil Ramblers mother or MR. Ramblers wife....just me.
But we wake up and we do it. We do what our life is. We just have to remember to not forget ourselves. And that it's OK to not forget ourselves.
Hang in there Adriana!
If you lived near me I would come give you a hug and a break in a heartbeat. I know what you are feeling. I raised my ADHD, OCD son as a single mother. He is now grown but he and his wife live with me along with all of their animals. So now I am overwhelmed by animals. Do you have family that you can leave your kids with for a few hours or a weekend? I am sorry I can't help more. PS I am in Temecula, Ca area so if that is near you, let me know by email and I will come.
lkish77123 at gmail dot com
You are not a lone girl. I have been there and many other moms too. If you are that stressed and your business is the one thing keeping you together, don't get rid of it and it sounds like you need a big talk with hubby about helping a little. Weather it be emotionally or physically. Hope things get a little better for you soon :)
Adry,
You are definitely not alone. I wish I could come over there and we could have a good talk and a good cry together! I am going through the same thing and it just seems to get worse and worse. I had a breakdown and cried to my husband three nights ago. I told him that I feel like I can't breathe, that life is too damn hard, that I have nothing to call my own, that sometimes I just want to run away forever. I never could understand those mothers who ran away and abandoned their children until I became a stay-at-home mom. There are some days I just want to run away. I wish I had a business or something of my own to be proud of. I have been praying for months for things to change for the better and instead, they just get worse.
So, there you have it. You aren't alone girl! If you ever need to talk, just email me:
amoeidson@yahoo.com
Oh my heart goes out to you! You are having feelings that we all have! I joined MOPS and it helped me so much! Maybe there is one in your area. I really enjoy blogs and facebook but nothing compares to real interaction with other moms! I am sending hugs and prayers in your direction!
I too feel depressed, I read you blog and I can relate all to well, I dont own my own business but I work 2 jobs, and have my almost 2 year old. I found out I am pregnant very recently and broke down, my life is in a tough spot, my marriage my sacrifices seemed to not be enough. I thought long and hard how to change my circumstances and my marriage, then it hit me, get a away for a few day! I spent the money we saved up on a resort and packed my boy up and left him at grandma's and off we went, my husband was surprised and told me that it was nice to feel like #1 and worth it to sacrifice everything to spend 1 on 1 time. I was shocked, why didn't I know this earlier, part of me felt like, great now I have to do MORE.. but it turned into a de-stressing weekend and it revitalized our marriage and I know there is going to be HARD days... there always is when you are doing the right thing.. fight for it, never give up!
There is an award waiting for you on my blog! :)
overwhelmville stinks, but remember your not the only resident, and what your experiencing is not totally out of the ordinary. ive been there, husband mad about the business and all. this too shall pass, i like to go to mcdonalds get a big mac and sit in a parking lot eat and blast motley crue and cry if necessary. my mom used to lock herself in the closet and cry. we all do something and dream of another life. you are so normal right now.
oh you are not alone! The role of wife and mother is very demanding...take a deep breath and make a date night with your husband or friends. A big ((HUG))) for you!
I have an Award for you over at my place..all because I like your blog
Been there and done that. Hang in there, it gets us all. Thinking of you!
You are SO not alone. I'm sitting here reading this post in tears cuz I NEEDED to hear another woman, mother, wife say this. Thank you. We loose ourselves don't we? We make sure everyone else is happy but in the mean time we deplete ourselves and there's nothing left....
We HAVE to take some time for us. Easier said than done, true, but like I've always have said "If mama ain't happy, than no one is happy. Thank you again for being the brave one and sharing.
-Celeste
hope your doing ok
Hang in there. I nearly wrote the same post yesterday but decided to go back to bed instead while little one napped. It's a crazy ride and there are no right ways to do this. I'm on the PPD anti crazy pills ands I still want to just sleep my life away on occasion- tell Tom Cruise to stick that in his vitamin shake and drink it! Stay strong!
OK, where are you??? If I lived close to you I'd come over and make sure you were alright!!! Hope you're feeling better and know that you are not alone.
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