Psalm 42
I never truly understood this psalm until now. Now that I as a mother and a woman have been going through this valley of despair, loneliness, and even soul searching...I finally get it.
My hope has been diverted to all the wrong things, the wrong people. Hope is in God - God's plans for me. What are God's plans for me as mom & a woman? When did the blinders go on? When did I lose sight of God's plans for my life? I have walked away alot from church and Godly people. There has been a stirring in my heart that had turned into bitterness.
Over the past 3 years, much has built up inside of me. I have quite a few hangups with many people at church and with my husband. I have been a bitter, angry woman. A woman with no hope for her future but blaming everyone and everything for the lack of luster in her life. Grant it, I HAVE had many second thoughts about the choices I've made in my life and perhaps that is what the "thirst" is in my life as in this Psalm.
Why is it so hard to count my blessings? I wish I could make someone understand me but it feels like I only understand me. Feels sometimes that God doesn't understand me so I stop talking to Him. I know that isn't a good thing. So my thirst has gone into total drought, like someone walking in the desert without water in sight. I'm parched and nothing I do satisfies my thirst. So I get this Psalm from a friend...and I actually feel peace that perhaps God does understand me and He does hear me...but is waiting to see what choices I make with the direction He has given me.
NO one is to blame for my "downcast soul" which describes so much of my life, thought patterns, and issues of my heart.
So this will be the Psalm I will be meditating on this week. In the hope that my "thirst" will be finally quenched.
Am I overwhelmed still? Yes...do I feel like I'm in a box? Yes...but do I realize that my hope has been diverted yes...I need to get back to the place I use to be in...in God's presence.
Psalm 42
1
[b] As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My [c] soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
10/30/2009
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5 comments:
Adry, sounds like the Holy Spirit is doing what He does so very well. Thank you for your honesty about what is going on in your life. It is a rare thing in blogland!
I too have had a struggle with my walk especially this summer. After receiving a rattlesnake bite and almost dying I was very angry at the Lord. Aren't you glad that He allows us to be angry and still loves us!!! I am still in the midst of finding that contentment but I encourage you to hold on- that's what faith is really- holding on when all that is in us is shouting to give up.
He will come- He will deliver- He will conform you in the likeness of Christ which is our purpose in life. That conforming is painful stuff- as He peels the layers of selfishness and pride it is like peeling a layer of our skin off our bodies and we cringe and cry in pain. I am still crying but my heart's cry is God work- continue to be faithful to complete that which you started in me.
You are precious to Him, Deeply loved, His Princess, His Bride, His dearly beloved.
I have to remember too that I cannot even begin to work all this stuff out - It is He who even does the work- who gives the faith- Phil 2:13 "For it He who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure"
Your gonna come out of this more like Christ, smelling like a rose- that sweet smelling fragrance unto the Lord.
One thing I feel compelled to share with you (and it doesn't sound very spiritual) is watching what you eat. I struggle with depression and I know when I am on the sugar and carb binges it just makes it worse- so very much worse- sometimes it is just the eating that causes the depressions and as soon as I start eating right again my whole brain chemistry changes. (Depression takes many forms- anger, etch)
Well I hope I have not over stepped my bounds in my comment- I do so appreciate meeting another Sis in Christ and will ASK The Father to remember to pray for you! (I have Fibromylgia and my brain is usually pretty fuzzy but it is amazing how God can bring people to mind to pray for them!)
blessings
mary
You speak from your heart and that is a blessing. I too have walked away from God's house many times. I walked away when my first husband passed away. I literally felt that I was being punished. For what I did not know.
Today I know that my heart sings more when I am in church. Just take things one step at a time and believe that things will get better.
I love your honesty in this post! And this Psalm is beautiful!
Found your blog through a blog, through a blog, through SITS, I think, anyway, wanted to leave a comment cuz of SITS and I had to comment on this one. I went through a time when that verse was the only thing that not only kept me going, it was the only thing that kept me breathing. While going through a tough time, ok it was a separation with my husband, my dear sweet Mother In Law bought me Beth Moore's book "Get Out Of That Pit", which talks a lot about that verse. I honestly believe it saved my sanity and no telling who's life it also saved. Anyway, just wanted to say hang in there, you've got a great scripture to stand on!!!
I could have written this post -- you chose a perfect piece of scripture, I needed to read it! God bless!
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