Psalm 42 - Sheesh...now I get this...

Psalm 42

I never truly understood this psalm until now. Now that I as a mother and a woman have been going through this valley of despair, loneliness, and even soul searching...I finally get it.

My hope has been diverted to all the wrong things, the wrong people. Hope is in God - God's plans for me. What are God's plans for me as mom & a woman? When did the blinders go on? When did I lose sight of God's plans for my life? I have walked away alot from church and Godly people. There has been a stirring in my heart that had turned into bitterness.

Over the past 3 years, much has built up inside of me. I have quite a few hangups with many people at church and with my husband. I have been a bitter, angry woman. A woman with no hope for her future but blaming everyone and everything for the lack of luster in her life. Grant it, I HAVE had many second thoughts about the choices I've made in my life and perhaps that is what the "thirst" is in my life as in this Psalm.

Why is it so hard to count my blessings? I wish I could make someone understand me but it feels like I only understand me. Feels sometimes that God doesn't understand me so I stop talking to Him. I know that isn't a good thing. So my thirst has gone into total drought, like someone walking in the desert without water in sight. I'm parched and nothing I do satisfies my thirst. So I get this Psalm from a friend...and I actually feel peace that perhaps God does understand me and He does hear me...but is waiting to see what choices I make with the direction He has given me.

NO one is to blame for my "downcast soul" which describes so much of my life, thought patterns, and issues of my heart.

So this will be the Psalm I will be meditating on this week. In the hope that my "thirst" will be finally quenched.

Am I overwhelmed still? Yes...do I feel like I'm in a box? Yes...but do I realize that my hope has been diverted yes...I need to get back to the place I use to be in...in God's presence.

Psalm 42
1

[b] As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My [c] soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Long time no post...

I know it has been quite a while since I've posted anything probably due to the fact that the dumps I've been in hasn't really let up. I think I'm going through a midlife crisis at 38. Can it be? This cannot be happening with 3 children under the age of 6?

You know you hear about men going through it and buying ridiculous boy toys that put the whole family in debt or they run off with a younger woman or something - but me? A stay at home mom? What are my freakin' options? I can't do any of that stuff...well I am not into younger women, but you know what I mean. (lol)

So here is the conclusion I've come to...ready?

Here are my solutions to my "stayathome-itis":

• Get together with friends - OFTEN - like weekly or even every other day if possible - no kids or husband
• Reconnect with old friends
  
• Go out dancing (my passion is salsa dancing - I'm Cuban - what did you expect?)
• Talk about other things other than bills, kids or problems with my husband
• Plan a vacation alone to visit my mom in Florida or with a friend to have some fun
• Have fun again
• Decided to STOP growing old on my couch
• Work out daily - DAILY - that is 1-2 hours all by myself - SWEET!
• Determine to lose weight - no more waiting or the excuse of "I just had a baby" since she is 18 mo old! (by the way - I'm down 2 pant sizes since last month - since my last nervous breakdown post)
• Realize that my life does NOT have to revolve around my husband or my kids - that I do have to have a life outside of my four walls - this is how stay at home moms become depressed, suicidal and end up leaving their families. I say this because I know of a couple of moms to who became depressed, suicidal (1 attempted suicide) and another 2 moms I know "just left" husband, kids and all!
• Reassess my life and what I want out of it - I - ME - what do I want? I swear if my husband quotes another movie to me I will have to break his jaw. "When we got married, we gave up me for us" - ok I know but when "US" constitutes all that HUBBY wants - it really does not apply now does it?

So I am determine to enjoy life again, work out and lose weight, go back to school and finish my bachelors degree (1 year left to graduate! Before I got married, 8 years ago, dear hubby kept telling me you'll get to finish school honey...yeah that didn't happen but it will now!), make my business successful and have my own storefront one day.

So yes...I'm still struggling but I have decided to do something about before I get locked up in a padded room and see my children through a plate glass window.

Thank you all for commenting and encouraging me - I pray that I have encouraged you too to seek out a life for yourself as well. Mommyhood does NOT have to be all about changing diapers, cleaning toilets and folding laundry. There is so much more! But we settle for being home and giving up on ourselves because it is what we are told or implied.

I can only hope that my husband will open up his eyes, ears and heart to the reality of my struggles. I have told him again and again but this time I no longer feel guilty for wanting more out of my life. I mean seriously? Do I really want to be 60 years old and be bored with my life? NO. I want to know I did things I wanted to do and accomplished things I dreamed of.

Growing happy healthy God loving children is important, maintaining a healthy marriage is important...but if I don't take time for myself as a mom, as a woman, daughter, friend...then what will happen to me? I'll tell you what...I'll get bitter, bored and bombarded with life that I will not age gracefully - it will show on my face, body and on my heart.

Why do men age so nicely and women not so nice? They find outlets. Work, which include breaks at work (lunch etc...), friends, outings etc...us women? We are too busy with kids and making hubby happy while gravity takes over.

So I'm off my pulpit for now. I'm still struggling to find Adriana again but I have a better idea on how to find her now than I did before.

xoxoxoxo to all of my stay at home mommy friends. I hope I gave you food for thought.

Motherhood...help me

I am in a place right now that I don't even know how to put into words. I am overwhelmed. I think I'm going through some kind of depression. I want to hide. I want to sleep. I want to cry. When the kids are all crying at the same time I really want to grab my car keys and disappear. I don't know what my life is suppose to be like. Is this it? What I am feeling cannot be normal.

Sometimes I think I have it "down" then there are days like today so ridiculous. I feel cornered by my marriage and my kids and like I have no plan for diffusion. I have my business and my husband hates it and argues with me constantly about it. Even though I've been in business for 5 years. It is the ONE thing that keeps my mind and hands busy that does not require cleaning the house, running errands or disciplining the kids - which with a 5 and 3 year old it feels like it is constant. I'm exhausted. Emotionally and physically. I have visions of "flying away" somewhere and just being me. Just me. Not how can I make hubby happy or how can I entertain or teach the kids something they need to know me, but ME. The Adriana I use to know. I feel like a bad mother for feeling like this but I'm just in a really bad place right now and I am suffocating. Like a fish out of water. Gasping for air. Or in my case some sense of freedom. Sure I go to a friend's house every now and then and run out to the store when hubby gets home, but even then he doesn't like me to do that either. How can I communicate what I'm feeling to him without him saying something stupid like "well then leave and live your life."

I'm sure you've ready some of my other "funny" posts and those have been great days...but lately I am in a terrible place and I see NO light at the end.

I am imploding, my heart is in shambles and my spirit feels so broken. I'm lost and don't look forward to the next day arriving.

Then I have these damn neighbors upstairs that make noise all freakin' day long that I cannot get a moment of peace. I'm going crazy. Literally. I can't stand even myself.

I probably shouldn't even be writing any of this on a public blog; however, I look forward to reading comments on this situation. Am I alone? How do you deal with these feelings if you share them with me?

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

It is one of those days that I simply do not want to be confined to my teeny condo with my 3 children - so we drive and drive and drive until I realize that traffic is going to only get suckier as the time passes so I turn the car around and head home. When we arrive home my children make it very clear that they are bored - despite the tons of toys they have - and I (Mommy) am challenged to fix the boredom or otherwise get naked and run around outside until the loony van picks me up and puts me in a padded cell.

So...I know! I can make Doctor bags and fill them up with clean EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY med bottles, boxes, med dropper etc...YES I gave them the little lecture about these are PRETEND medicines and these (I showed them) are MOMMY'S medicines. I put each of their initials on their PRETEND things so that they understand THESE are the ones they are to play with only.
(this is for those of you itching to type me a comment about how dangerous this could be - got it - but like I said desperate times call for desperate measures)

So I went to my sewing machine for 15 minutes of bliss while I sewed these little bags up.

So now ask me how long they played with these things? 1 whole hour! Can you believe it!

Yes they actually played that long with these things..."shooting" me with medicine on my butt while I cooked and cleaned up. They grabbed their stuffed animals and "cured" them of their diseases.

Ah...it was nice while it lasted. :)

King Hubby Saves Cinderella

So this is my follow up post to my laundry dilemma...hubby saw my haggered face, straw hair, and probably took a good whiff of my stinky pits from a crazy busy day with kids and work and folded all of our insane laundry. He is the King that saved Cinderella lastnight. I am Cinderella. I work, work and work around the house nonstop and my poor kids don't know me some days. I feel like they watch me and wonder "is this normal?" My fear is that while I'm trying to keep up and be a good example of tidying up etc...that they will not really get to know me. But here's what saves my mind and my soul from completely losing hope...my babies (5 & 3) never forget to stop me and tell me what a good mom I am, lay their head on my shoulder and rub my back or stop me out of nowhere to give me a hug and a kiss and tell me they love me. I must be doing something right I guess.

When I do stop - which I try to several times a day - to just listen to their endless chatter, sneak around the corner to watch them play without them knowing, to hear them laugh from the other room, to watch them pull out their craft stuff to sit and keep themselves busy, to see how they can be tender with their baby sister, to just stop, kneel down and look into their eyes, marvel at their teeny toes, or sneak a peek while they sleep...I see the face of God and the Holy Spirit reassures me that even though I am not perfect, that even though I don't spend every waking moment doing things with them, that I am blessed. That despite the messes and the times I feel like all I do is discipline them all day - and let me tell you there are days! - I am reminded that I am their Mommy and that I am irreplaceable.

It is in those moments that I feel I have a purpose. It is in those moments that I am reminded how I was chosen to be THEIR mommy.

BACK TO HUBBY...
Then I think of my hubby and all of the annoying things that come along with marriage like how he balls up his socks to put them in the laundry, leaves nearly empty bags of chips or cereal in the cabinet etc...you can read about THAT in another post here - oh yes it is worth the read. I think of all the wonderful things he does with and for me and the kids. SO MANY...another post another day ladies...

So all of this to say...laundry or not...crumbs on the floor or not...I am blessed...

Now...if I could only get a grip on a REAL schedule!