So there have been some hard lessons learned in the past 3 years...okay maybe more. Lessons I refused to acknowledge as lessons but rather as punishment, or just a run of bad luck from bad choices. Isn't that what some people call Karma? But I call the BIG lie. I believe that I have been in the situations I have been in because that is where I had chosen to be.
The truth is that all I've been through (good and bad) in my entire life has been a series of lessons to bring the ugly about myself to the surface. To face my demons, as some might put it. To see what I refused to see as my weaknesses or perhaps even overbearing attitudes. Is it pretty in any way, shape or form? Nope. Is it something that I can look back and say that I'm glad I went through it? The tears, the anger, the bitterness, the fighting, and numerous losses? Nope. Can I look forward and see hope? Yes. Hope of maturity, awareness, improvement, self-discovery, spiritual growth and forgiveness.
When I speak of forgiveness, I not only speak of forgiving those around me that have injured me in some way or another, but the forgiveness of myself. I have made some incredibly poor choices. Some that at the time seemed innocuous towards anyone but myself. What a lie I have shovel fed myself over the years thinking I had the right to "do me" no matter what the cost. And at what a cost, my friends. I cannot even begin to describe the magnitude of that price tag.
So I ask myself why has it taken this long for this revelation to stir? Recognition of denial. Denial has been the slow wretchedly painful death to my spirit. Denial means 'the refusal to recognize or acknowledge.' I have been guilty! This has been the downward spiral into the deepest parts of hell for me. The denial to accept the consequences of my choices has only led me into depression, self-loathing, and a pathetic loss of all identity. Yes, quite pathetic. One unbelievably scary place to be, let me tell you, but tonight I have been thrown a life-line.
You see, through a simple, casual, matter-a-fact conversation with a friend tonight I heard the truth about myself. Not because my friend said anything about me specifically, but the mirror went up and I did not like what was looking back at me. Myself. An empty shell of a human being who thought that the cards dealt were not chosen. Not so. You see, cards will be dealt throughout a lifetime. But we have been given free will. Free will to choose what we do with them. God COULD force His hand for us to follow His every plan but that is not why God created us. He created us because He wanted a relationship with us but only if we WANT one with Him. And thus, cards are dealt. And we are free to choose what we do with those cards. And what about what happens to us involuntarily? That's a whole new set of cards and we have to choose what we do with the outcome. Our choice...our choices define who we become.
Divine intervention through what was initially meant to be nothing but a casual friendly meeting, filled with coffee and laughs, has turned this lost soul to revel in the Truth once again.
The truth is that all I've been through (good and bad) in my entire life has been a series of lessons to bring the ugly about myself to the surface. To face my demons, as some might put it. To see what I refused to see as my weaknesses or perhaps even overbearing attitudes. Is it pretty in any way, shape or form? Nope. Is it something that I can look back and say that I'm glad I went through it? The tears, the anger, the bitterness, the fighting, and numerous losses? Nope. Can I look forward and see hope? Yes. Hope of maturity, awareness, improvement, self-discovery, spiritual growth and forgiveness.
When I speak of forgiveness, I not only speak of forgiving those around me that have injured me in some way or another, but the forgiveness of myself. I have made some incredibly poor choices. Some that at the time seemed innocuous towards anyone but myself. What a lie I have shovel fed myself over the years thinking I had the right to "do me" no matter what the cost. And at what a cost, my friends. I cannot even begin to describe the magnitude of that price tag.
So I ask myself why has it taken this long for this revelation to stir? Recognition of denial. Denial has been the slow wretchedly painful death to my spirit. Denial means 'the refusal to recognize or acknowledge.' I have been guilty! This has been the downward spiral into the deepest parts of hell for me. The denial to accept the consequences of my choices has only led me into depression, self-loathing, and a pathetic loss of all identity. Yes, quite pathetic. One unbelievably scary place to be, let me tell you, but tonight I have been thrown a life-line.
You see, through a simple, casual, matter-a-fact conversation with a friend tonight I heard the truth about myself. Not because my friend said anything about me specifically, but the mirror went up and I did not like what was looking back at me. Myself. An empty shell of a human being who thought that the cards dealt were not chosen. Not so. You see, cards will be dealt throughout a lifetime. But we have been given free will. Free will to choose what we do with them. God COULD force His hand for us to follow His every plan but that is not why God created us. He created us because He wanted a relationship with us but only if we WANT one with Him. And thus, cards are dealt. And we are free to choose what we do with those cards. And what about what happens to us involuntarily? That's a whole new set of cards and we have to choose what we do with the outcome. Our choice...our choices define who we become.
Divine intervention through what was initially meant to be nothing but a casual friendly meeting, filled with coffee and laughs, has turned this lost soul to revel in the Truth once again.
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